omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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