I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
