took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
