my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
