We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
