i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ttyl tear gas
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
