just tell him i said nine months
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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