I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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