Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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