i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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