i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
