life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
