Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
