I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
