I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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