Three words: puerto rican gang bang
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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