Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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