theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
