i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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