i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
