dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Such a big mess for such a small penis
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
