I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
