i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
