Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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