I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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