she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
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I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
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How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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