Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Life is so much better after having sex.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
