Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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