I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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