im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
