WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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