Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
