He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
