She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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