You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
