This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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