I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
