He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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