If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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