my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You're like the curious george of whores
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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