It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
