I want to walk on stilts...naked
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think I have vodka in my lungs
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
