I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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