My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
