all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
