ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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