I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
