You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
