Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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