she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
