my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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