I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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