Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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