It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
