Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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