Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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